Log in

05 August 2010 @ 03:34 pm
I’ve come a long way. I can’t say I’m proud of myself, but I’m glad for making it through. There are times when I sit in class and my mind wanders off to past doings. You might catch me in class sighing deeply or zoned off to another place with a look of distress on my face. Whenever I think past to everything I’ve done in the past, I want to hit myself or I just hum the thoughts away. I think I’ve become so pessimistic. I’m so glad that I don’t have you binding me down, keeping me away from everything. My life is set into motion. And I will live it without you.

I’m in California. How did I get here? I have no fucking clue. I was supposed ti stay in the Philippines. The world was supposed to never change from the 1990’s. I was supposed to remain a good student that did her homework everyday, who carried her pink backpack about school. Who had no care in the world. Who had friends. I owned my block. I fucking owned it. I caught lit fireworks on summer evenings. I played in the rain, get sick, but knew it was worth it. I could run out of my house in the morning and look downwards the hill I used to live on and see Manila come alive. Everything I needed was on my street and everything I wanted was around it. I miss the youthfulness. I miss the smells. I miss the random graffitti signs on the walls. The subway was enthralling, the way the streets went by in a blur when I looked out the train windows. I miss racing on busy sidewalks with my childhood friend. I vaguely remember this scene when my mom walked me home from school on a rainy day. She let me stay outside and there was a water pipe with water (not sewer water or shit like that) flowing out. I was in my Winnie the Pooh boots and I splashed and splashed and splashed in the puddle that was formed by the pipe until I was soaked to the skin, and I went inside and got in trouble. I miss doing shit like that. I miss rollerblading and eating spaghetti out with my first best friend, Hannah, in my alley. I miss scootering and always falling and getting myself hurt. I miss running up the stairs to reach the apartments roof. I miss when we hung laundry out in lines like they do in Lady and the Tramp. No matter how fast the cars sped by, my life was content and slow. I look back to these days and I realize I have so many childhood memories that I have forgotten, and they rush back to my mind. And I want to cry because it’s not there anymore and I have no one to share these with. I miss when I was all up for going out and running and having fun. Now I’m always buried inside my bed under piles of books. It’s not the same anymore. I sometimes despise this techno century, but maybe we all just grew up…

I hate death and I wish I had someone to share my feelings on this with. Sometimes, not a lot, barely, but it still happens, I lie in bed and the thought of death creeps towards me. It grabs my throat and tighten it’s grip and I am sucked in. I think of aging and my life going by and I’m wasting all of these Mondays and Tuesdays and Wednesdays, Thursdays, Saturdays. Age won’t stop for me; won’t wait until I catch up. I have so much yearnings for my future and I keep repeating them over and over. Keep replaying them in my head. I want so many things. I want to drive. I want to rush through streets at night with Hide and Seek playing to the max and escape the world for just a little bit; for the time the song plays.  I want a job. I want to learn how to manage a job and experience it so that I don’t fuck up when I’m a part time worker in college, yet my dad won’t let me. I want to go out. I want to have fun. I don’t want my heads buried in studies. I want true real friends that don’t leave your side. And friends that you can have the time of your life with. I want my two different worlds to clash and combine to create this happier atmosphere. I want my family. I hate for being so selfish and wanting so many things. I hate how I can’t understand my dad. I wish my dad could have experienced the feeling of running barefoot on luscious grass, the feeling of the wind blowing through your hair as you’re biking, the feeling of the cold asphalt on your back as you’re lying in the streets in the middle of the night on empty streets, the feeling of busing aimlessly to no certain destination; the feeling of wilderness and freedom. If I were a guy you’d let me drive and have a girlfriend and allow me to have bad grades. You say I’m a girl and girls don’t act that way. I’ve become so much more conservative. Stop trying to calm my soul. I don’t belong sitting on chairs or being some girl. Yeah maybe I should have been born with a dick if you think I’m so crazy. I’m pretty sure mine would have been 10 inches anyways.

This is pretty long and pointless. Just getting sad feelings out.
22 July 2010 @ 02:00 pm
We need a little spark to keep it moving the right way. I've learned how to take a step back and go, "This is it. This is your life. Accept it." and with that newfound action I've been learning lessons everyday... taught by me. You can say I've grown a bit during this summer, maturity wise. I've learned that I'm not a little girl anymore, I'm growing and getting more responsible everyday and I need to set my priorities straight... and that means letting go of some unnecessary things in my life, whether I like it or not. I'm starting to see things how they really are what it really means now. I need to stand my position and not show any signs of weakness. I'm done bullshitting around people who waste my time, but then again, I want to branch out, and meet more people. Speaking of branching out and meeting more people, I really need to get a hold of my hormones :l Don't I sound like a noble knight, but seriously I need to keep my guard up and stand my ground.

Faucet thoughts:
  • I need a dress...
  • I should really finish my summer assignments before camp starts
  • Start getting fit for camp or else I'll pass out everyday
  • Need to catch up with my colorguard basics or else I'll get yelled at everyday
  • My grandma's coming to the US...
It starts to get a little harder everyday, don't puncture my sheet .. it's really thin at this point.

Inception. Great movie. Watch it :D

09 July 2010 @ 02:14 pm
This goes to the last 3 Music Station performances as well. Troublemaker, Monster, and To Be Free. I can understand with the first two because there is some choreography, but To Be Free was.. SMH. YES, I know they were singing parts live. But why couldn't they sing the whole song? They were just STANDING THERE.

Call me a whiny unappreciative bitch, but since they've been in the entertainment industry for 10 years, you'd expect them to be trained long enough to sing well, albeit the few exceptions of some off-key notes. I know that their album release is coming up, plus the concerts are coming up as well, so they'd be more exhausted than usual. I just.. I don't even know.  The feel good vibe with every single they release isn't there anymore. I feel as if JE is just throwing them out there just for the sake of media and money.

I love you Arashi, and I will always support you, but for the first time being in this fandom, I am honestly disappointed. smh.